What is self-worth, worth?My life has been reduced to schoolwork, talking to S on the phone, house chores and grocery shopping. Man, it's a far cry from my days of working in cafes and pubs while studying, going to mambos on Wednesdays and club-hopping (if I wasn't already working in one) during the weekends. Is it by choice? Not exactly. Somehow something feels amiss. Is it the clubbing? Likely, but not entirely. Is it not hanging out with friends and catching the odd movie or so? Possibly, but not exactly.
It's the first time I've stopped working in a looong while. Somehow now, other than schoolwork, I have nothing else to 'do'. It actually starts to feel unnatural. I see students rushing off to work after classes and I think: hey, I need to find a job too. Art materials and printing, among other things, cost a bomb. Winter's coming and the electricity bill is gonna shoot up the roof. Hey, my phone bill already has.
But I always manage to stop myself and remind myself of how I had slogged before coming here. For 3 years I was either working my ass off, or stressing out that I wasn't. For the time before that, I was always juggling work in the evenings if I didn't have school the next day, work during the weekends, and of 'cos, school. I had been working during long school breaks since I was 15, either as waitressing, going door to door selling Christmas cards or as a TV extra which paid peanuts. I still remember one time in poly, I was working as a waitress in a club and it was Halloween. They made me paint my face like a ghastly-looking monster, totally unrecognisable. Some of the regular customers who sometimes made small talk to me, thought I wasn't working that night - they didn't know that monster with the white face and black eyes serving them their usual drinks, was me. Yet, I was the only one whom management had 'dressed up'. The rest objected and didn't have to do anything like that, in fact, they wore stuff that were pretty nice, and they didn't need to have their faces painted at all. I went home feeling rather stupid that night, and it bugged me for some time, but being 19 then, I guess I was too young to know how to say no.
ANYWAY. So yeah. Within the first month after graduation (from poly) I was already working. It was a crazy thought at that time, but because the first pay I was getting as a full-time designer was so low, I was seriously considering getting a part-time job on the side. But that was out of the picture - that job had me working late into the nights on weekdays, and days on weekends. That was enough, I didn't even have time to sleep.
The time in Singapore spent working was hectic and stressful, to say the least. When I had work, I kept wondering when it would stop. When it did, either by my choice or by circumstances, I was worried how long it would be before I was working again. It was crazy. I wasn't even working towards a goal, I was working just so I had a job and could earn my own keep. Times were the hardest when I graduated - it was right smack in the middle of an economic downturn, the worst in years. Companies were closing down and getting sued, the ones I worked in were no exceptions. It didn't seem to matter what work you did, just as long as you worked. In fact, it didn't seem like it mattered if you had ideas - clients were paying peanuts and to make up for it, companies were taking in more jobs. It doesn't have to be nice, they said. They're paying peanuts for it so just do a quick job and move on to the next one. On the other end, there were those management who charged ridiculous amounts and could not deliver because I was the only one doing the creatives and they were just piling it onto me, design-related or not. My parents were just happy I had a job, nevermind the fact I was losing myself in the process. If I didn't, the nagging bandwagon would follow me and I'd just get a job to shut them up.
When I was in poly, someone did mention that it felt like I was a workaholic. I didn't think so at that time, I still don't. I felt like I wasn't getting enough pocket money to enjoy eating out, watching movies and hanging out with friends, so I took on part-time jobs. The thing is, my dad had a policy whereby if I worked, I didn't take pocket money. So I increased my work hours to make up for it. That eventually changed, but I got so tired of their nagging about paying my phonebills (which wasn't high) and art materials etc, I took pocket money less n less. The moment I started working full time, I was on my own.
I don't think I'm a workaholic, but I have to admit it feels weird not having to work now. It feels like something's amiss, it almost feels like - dare I say it - I have no goal, no use. The moment I typed that, it felt crazy. I was working an average of 12 hour working days, for goodness sake! It became my life so much I even lost sleep over it! So how could I possibly miss it? Am I not saying I wished I had not asked for exemptions so I could be a student longer? At least now my weekends are for resting and having time to myself , not recuperating to prepare myself for another hectic week, if I wasn't in the office anyway.
I am not gonna work. I told myself when I came over that I'm going to be a FULL TIME STUDENT for a change. Being a student is all the tag I need. Yeah working p/t as can be fun, but that's exactly why I had planned to get odd jobs for a while after graduation before embarking on a career.
*Slaps forehead* Awww, man! People talk about going on that last trip with friends after graduation, and all I'm thinking over here is what kindda jobs to take up after that. Perhaps I AM a closet workaholic. Either that, or I have some sort of deep-rooted mentality whereby if I didn't work, I was considered useless. You know, come to think of it, that is exactly where I put my self-worth - the ability to contribute to society.
........Someone tell me that isn't what self-worth is all about.
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